Love And Hate

In case you haven't figured it out, I'm a multi-restaurant delivery driver. Unlike the pizza slingers, I visit multiple joints each night and they range from the cheap-o sub place to one of the oldest high end italian swank pits.

But no matter the clientele or price, restaurants break down into two categories - love or hate.

However, those two broad categories do have their subtle differences. Let's take a look at them.

HATE

El Cheapo - Cheap food equals small bill equals small tips. The only upside is the occasion when some corporate yahoos get a hankering for plebe food, order a shit load of burritos causing the automatic gratuity to kick in.

Far, Far Away - One reason that is obvious is you lose money on gas. A reason that's not so obvious is the longer a run takes the higher the chance the driver rotation will get fucked up and you will miss a milk run (see below).

Slowwwww - No matter how far away it is, no matter how long it takes to get there, no matter how simple the order, it won't be ready. See Far, Far Away for the explanation on why turning and burning is important.

The Fuck Ups - How hard is it to fuck up fish with a simple lemon and herb glaze? How hard is it to remember to put three cookies in a bag? You'd be surprised.

LOVE

The Milk Runs - They are not only close by but because they are neighborhood joints their customers also tend to be nearby. A true milk run can take less than 20 minutes and is only a 6 mile round trip.

Big Tickets - They are so outrageously expensive they almost always result in the automatic gratuity. Also, people paying $80 for two entrees plus a delivery fee plus an automatic gratuity probably have so much money they don't buy toilet paper - they just use spare dollar bills. They will occasionally throw an extra $20 on top of the automatic. Not kidding. I once made $38 on a single big ticket milk run.

Hot Bartenders - Two things make me a little tingly - women who play guitar and women who serve me drinks. A hot bartender who will provide a little non-customer interaction on a long night can wipe out all the hate.

I get a little bit of it all and it does keep the job interesting.